Phone Call From God

(Man in easy chair watching TV. The phone rings.) 

Hon, the phone’s a ringin’…will ya get it for me please? I’m a tryin’ to watch ol’ Jay Leno. What? Get it myself? Confound it. Hello? Long distance? Yeah, this is me…who’s this? What? Whadaya mean am I a Christian? I don’t know. Who’s a callin’? D-d-d-did you say h-h-heaven? W-w-w heh heh…w-well hello Lord! W-w-well Sir, I’ve been a Christian a long time. Y-y-yes Sir, I sure have. A-a-after all…Sir? You hadn’t heard from me in quite a while so you thought you’d better just go ahead and call, huh? W-w-well, Lord, I tell ya, well just last night…this same time last night, I’s a plannin’ on talkin’ ta you. I-I was a layin’ there watchin’ that ol’ television, that ol’ Jay Leno ya know was on the TV. I said to my wife, I said ‘Hon, ya know as soon as ol’ Jay gets off the television we oughta get on our knees and talk to the Lord.’ That’s what we said. And I wish to goodness we’d a gone ahead and done it, but we didn’t. But I tell ya Lord what I’m gonna do…I’m gonna start doing that. I sure am. I’m gonna say my prayers tonight…whether I need to or not. Yes Sir. Sir? Yes Sir, I go to church. Yes Sir, every Sunday…I’m a faithful church member. I sure am. Sir? Did I go last Sunday? Yes Sir, I went last Sunday. I went for mornin’ preachin’…wonderful church. Sir? W-what did the preacher preach on? Well…uh, you know how the preacher is, don’t ya? He preaches on the platform. Oh! Y-yeah, I understand. W-well h-he taught mostly about the Bible. Sir? Oh! W-well he referred to…h-h-he talked about M-m-matthew you know…no, no I don’t believe it was Matthew…I-I-I believe it was Mark. No…no, that was a couple of months ago…uh uh, now let’s see. Now I remember it was uh…Sir? Sunday night? No. No, Lord I didn’t make it Sunday night, Lord. I-I…Sir? Uh…Bonanza. Yes, Sir…w-well Sir, ya know, I would have gone. I was a plannin’ on goin’. But I got ta sittin’ around on Sunday afternoon a thinkin’, and I said to myself, you the next day’s Monday and…Sir? Yes Sir it’s been that way a long time I reckon. But I got thinkin’ that I need my rest. And Lord it’s so cotton-pickin’ hard anymore to go to church on Sunday all day and, and night, and then have to get up the next mornin’ and w-well…Sir? Sunday before last? Well, Lord ya know, you just picked on a couple of bad ones here. But you know, I work so hard all week and Sunday before last was such a pretty day and everything…and I didn’t go to church, Lord. I tell ya, I went out and…Sir? Oh you know where I went, huh? Yes Sir, I caught two bass and one croppy. Sir? What time did I get home that night…from fishin’ ya mean? Well…it was about 10:30 that night. Yes Sir, it was probably a lot later than if I’d gone to church that night…but fishin’ is different!…It ain’t church. Well, I couldn’t a gone to church noways cause my wife was a home sick and somebody woulda had to stay with her. Sir? Lord, yes Sir Lord! I’m so glad you asked that question! Yes Sir, Lord, I’m a good steward. Yes Sir, I sure am! You’re talkin’ about steward…you mean tithin’ and givin’ to the church and all? Yes Sir, yes Sir I give to the church. I sure do. I give to the church every Sunday. Sir? Yes, Sir…every Sunday that I go. I gave 58 dollars to the church last year. I sure did. Cause after all…Sir? What do you mean you don’t think I understand what stewardship means? Ten percent?…Of everything that I own belongs to you? Well yes Sir Lord, I-I know about that, but I tell ya, right now you just kinda called at a bad time. You just picked a bad time…we’re in a recession down here ya know…and the thing done turned into a depression for me…and and I just can’t give any more, Lord, than that right now and and…Sir? Ten percent. Well…I gave that fif-fif-fif, well that money ya see last year. And after all that’s a little more than a dollar a week you know…Sir? How much do I make? You’re talkin’ about money still? W-well, it was a little over ten thousand dollars. That don’t tally out too good, does it Lord? W-well, now now I-I know that and ya know, and I told ya before and and as soon as I get that boat motor paid for, ya know I just got the thing and and you know my wife? I thought ya might. Well Lord, she can just walk across the floor and fall on somethin’ ya know. She did that the other day…broke her hip bone. Y-y-yes…ten percent. Y-yeah Lord, but if I don’t pay off, pay off this boat and motor, they’ll come and get it… and then I won’t have one. Sir? You think if I don’t start paying my tithe, I ain’t gonna need no boat and motor down here? Yes Sir…that was cleared up…completely clear. It sure was. Sir? Around my kids? Influence, ya mean? Well yes. I’m a good Christian in front of the kids. Lord, never do we do anything in this here house or say anything that be wrong in front of our children. No Sir…not a word. I don’t believe in it. And that’s…Sir? What did I say when I got my thumb caught in the linen closet? You heard about that? Well…I was just standin’ there, Lord, you know, and all of a sudden this door here come out from nowhere, and and my thumb was in the way, and and it hurt so bad, and and it was awful and I said…well Lord, heh heh, never mind what I said. But…Sir? Praise? Yes Sir, I give praise. Yes Sir, I sure do. I’s a readin’ the Bible the other day…I picked it up and it said in Theesaleenians to give the Lord the praise. I sure did. But I tell ya Lord, it was just a little hard to find a place to give the praise when I got my thumb caught in the closet door. Sir? Yes Sir, I sure do. I love that preacher! He’s a wonderful man! That’s the preachenist dude I’ve ever seen. I-I love him. I sure do. Sir? If he’s such a wonderful preacher then why don’t I start doing more of what he says? Well, Lord, I-I thought I did pretty much what he says already. Sir? If I’m doing all he says, he must not say a whole lot, huh? Well, Lord, maybe you should’ve called him instead of me. Heh, heh. Oh well, that was just a thought anyway, Lord. Sir? Yes, I know that Lord. I know that and you’re right. You sure are. This is one of the very few countries that we’ve got that we can work in You without violating those man-made laws. Yes Sir and I-I…Sir? Yes Sir, I realize that you must love us dearly and giving your Son to die on the cross, Lord, you know. And I do appreciate it…I sure do. This phone call has meant a lot to me. Sir? Oh, you gotta go now? Well now I tell ya Lord, I appreciate ya callin’, and and thanks for reminding me and all, and I’m gonna start doing better. I-I think I need to…Sir? You think I need to, too huh? Well I am. I’m gonna rededicate my life right now, Lord. I sure am. And I’m gonna start tithing my tithe, my ten percent, and paying my debts Lord, and I…yes Sir and I’m gonna go to church on Sunday…and Sunday morning worship preaching…and every time Lord they have church, I’m gonna be there Lord and take an active part in it. Sir? Yes Sir and pray for others…just like they’ve been praying for me. Yes, Sir Lord. Now now you know how dependable that I am, and Lord you can depend on me for doing that. Heh, heh. OK Lord, and thank you, I thank you so much for callin’, hear? Good bye, now. What’s that dear? Who was it on the telephone? Never mind. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you who it was. Was it the wrong number? Well no, it wasn’t the wrong number. Believe me, the man has my number. In fact I think he probably has a lot of people’s numbers. But I tell you one thing, the next time the phone rings, you can answer it. You needed it a whole lot worse than I did.