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When a local TV host gets into a car accident with an electrician, she didn’t count on one thing: that he would be the two time state champion who had also defended the interstate trophy in the ancient art of Kendo Swords. Because honestly, why would you count on that? It’s patently absurd, clearly some sort of horrible plot contrivance. What the hell is a kendo sword anyways? Certainly nothing a grown man should be messing around with.

The point is, those two end up as Prisoners in the Lost Universe, which looks a heck of a lot like Earth except that there is a kind of tree that grows dinner plates, and another kind that grows pods of orange berries. Just try to wrap your little head around that, and also how a film this derivative and cheap looking came out the same year as Return of the Jedi. One thing it did have in common with that film, however, is the presence of horrible little sidekicks. Return of the Jedi had the Ewoks, and Prisoners has Malachi, who makes the Ewoks look like Martini sipping, bon mot spewing embodiments of class and dignity. Malachi...Damn, now we’re thinking about Malachi again. He’s...He’s just the worst. Ugh.

He’s also joined on the quest by the Green Man, who’s called that because he’s the same shade of blue as a Na’vi, a giant killer baby in a diaper, and a talking vulture. Grab your finest kendo sword and get ready to defend the interstate trophy with Prisoners of the Lost Universe!